This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
