I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
