I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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