Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
it's like iHOP with fire
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
