unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
