It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
