if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
