Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
