I love black thongs
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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