tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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