If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
