What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
