It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize