literally had 100 drinks last night.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
