i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
