All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
