mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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