So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
