I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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