he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
