I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You made out with two different species that night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
