I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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