we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
