The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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