I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i think my cat just said my name.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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