I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
