Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
