im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
