Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
