K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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