I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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