Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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