Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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