I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
