i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
