So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
