I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
