The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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