smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
