i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
