its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
