You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
