I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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