Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
