I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
