I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
