all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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