I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
