I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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