the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
