I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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