a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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