theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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