on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
