Is it normal to miss your booty call?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
