While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
