just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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